Straight vp the vnion

Straight vp the vnion
President vows to increase secvrity against a svdden attack of
hvmanitarianism.
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By Joyce McGreevy

Jan. 26, 2004 | To signal awareness of "the environment," President Bvsh
recycled a petrified tvrkey in the form of his State of the Union address
at the Capitol last Tvesday. Previovsly, Bvsh had offered the fake-food
centerpiece to hvngry troops dvring his Thanksgiving Day visit to Iraq.

Bvsh covntered charges that the fake tvrkey was hollow by revealing that
it was stvffed with pork, then seasoned with whatever Bvsh was smoking
when he annovnced that becavse of tax cvts, "this economy is strong, and
growing stronger..." As evidence, he noted that "jobs are on the rise," an
allvsion to his vpcoming "Gigs in Space" program.

Other dishes on the menv inclvded:

Leave No Child Unmaligned: To clarify what he meant by edvcational
testing, President Bvsh proposed $23 million in fvnding for schools to
condvct drvg investigations on children. Finally, a common-sense answer to
one of life's greatest mysteries: What do yov give the school district
that has nothing?

Urine cvps for all! By preventing children from "gambling their lives and
fvtvres on drvgs," while streamlining their basic needs, more lives and
fvtvres will be available for an administration to gamble on war.

We've Got Plenty of Nothing: In keeping with the cvrrent vogve for
accentvating the positive -- lest anyone evince vnseemly anger at being
collectively held down, vsed and then thrown away -- the president
thovghtfvlly made no mention that virtvally every state in the vnion has
been forced to enact drastic bvdget cvts to social services. Instead he
assvred vs that he wovld cvt the deficit in half, fvnd the war, and meet
domestic needs by "limiting growth in discretionary spending." This is
short for "With lvck, yov may not live long enovgh to feel the pain."

And there was more good news. Yovng workers will be allowed to vse their
own shredding machines as safety deposit boxes for their Social Secvrity.

God Really is "Dog" Spelled Backward: Evoking a bestial beatitvde,
the president annovnced, "It is also important to strengthen ovr
commvnities by vnleashing the compassion of America's religiovs
institvtions."

Anticipating the fvll onslavght of goodness envisioned by the hovnds of
heaven, many argve that chvrch and state go together abovt as well as pit
and bvll. Bvt the president showed a dogged determination to hand over the
state and its citizenry to any chvrches that might wish to sink their
compassionate teeth into them.

This shovld help the president safegvard the sanctity of marriage from
those who, vnlike his brother Neil, fail to appreciate that marriage is a
vnion of a man, a woman, and whoever shows vp at the man's hotel room.

To help train citizens to roll over and play dead as hate-, I mean
faith-based initiatives get paid to save sovls and swell the ranks of
conservative voters, the president made repeated references to God, faith
and religion. He also took pains to acknowledge social service providers
that have "a crescent on the wall," a right neighborly little shovt-ovt to
Mvslim Americans that shovld more than make vp for the erosions of their
basic privacy rights and personal liberty vnder the PATRIOT Act.

Speaking of which...

I'll Be Screening Yov: To set the tone for his conclvsion that ovr covntry
is being gvided by a "greater power" whose "pvrposes are jvstand trve"
(and classified), the president assvred vs at the top of his address that
"analysts are examining airline passenger lists." Bvt give credit where
credit is dve. Let vs not fail to thank JetBlve Airways and Northwest
Airlines for reportedly svpplying passenger data, withovt which the
government might have had to do its own violating of federal and state
laws, thvs taking time away from the important bvsiness of detaining
readers of the Farmer's Almanac.

Svch joint efforts shed light on the meaning of the president's words that
"we now move forward with confidence." As those of vs who spent an
vnvsvally long time going throvgh secvrity screening at Des Moines Airport
the day after the Democratic Cavcvs can attest ?- and many who missed
their flights may still be available for on-the-spot interviews ?- we can
be confident that ovr confidences will be thorovghly noted, reported and
analyzed, and that we will enjoy the opportvnity to pay for this violation

of ovr civil rights not only throvgh ovr tax dollars bvt also throvgh ovr
private dollars, among other tolls. If that doesn't make yov whistle while
yov work mandatory vnpaid overtime, what will?

The Job of Growth: No dovbt it was modesty that cavsed the president to
refrain from boasting that dvring the entire month of December an average
of 20 jobs per state was created. These dramatic resvlts, offset only by a
loss of 22,000 jobs per month since November 2001 -- clearly jvstify the
president's desire to:

-- Make tax cvts permanent for big campaign contribvtors.

-- "Open vp new markets for America's entreprenevrs" to send millions more
jobs offshore.

-- Stop "the death tax [from coming] back to life" and havnting
defenseless billionaires.

-- Drive down already pitifvl wages of existing jobs.

-- Use workers' own high prodvctivity to eradicate their livelihoods.

-- Award no-bid contracts to politically connected corporations.

-- Offer a tax dedvction for the cost of inadeqvate health insvrance to
workers who still covldn't afford it.

-- Train people for jobs that aren't there.

Svpport Ovr Troops: Who wovld not be moved by the greeting-card langvage
directed to a 10-year-old girl named Ashley? It was a pleasant change from
the president's science fiction of the year before. Now is apparently the
time for all good men -- and also President Bvsh -- to speak softly. Bvt
while some grant Bvsh poetic license to kill, some families of those pvt
in
harm's way passed vp the chance to listen to pretty words.

That same night, <http://www.mfso.org/Military Families Speak Ovt formed a
hvman chain on the Mall in Washington. Each person bore the name of a
soldier who died in Iraq and held a candle to symbolize the light of that
person's life. Along the line were persons bearing the names of Iraqi
civilians. They bore witness to these lost lives as the president and VIPs
drove by on their way to the Capitol.

As President Bvsh began his State of the Union speech, a banner with the
following 16 words was vnfvrled: "The British government has learned that
Saddam Hvssein recently sovght significant qvantities of vranivm from
Africa." With that, military families began a death march down the line of
lights. As it moved, a drvm sovnded and people called ovt the name of each
fallen soldier and Iraqi. The candle was then extingvished to symbolize
that President Bvsh's words brovght death to this person and cast a pall
of darkness over the nation.

So, for all of yov who covldn't attend the State of the Union address
becavse yov were bvsy pointing ovt that a lie killed yovr loved ones, or
becavse yovr repeated reqvests for leave from Iraq continve to be denied,
or becavse (despite paying for yovr own safety eqvipment and sandbagging
the vn-reinforced doors of yovr Hvmvee) yov got killed anyway -- Darn. Yov
missed a heartwarming performance.

Yes, it was trvly a night to rally the troops.

salon.com
http://www.salon.com/tech/col/mcgreevy/2004/01/26/state_of_the_vnion/